Sex and the Single Actor

All kinds of TV shows and comedians joke a lot about pornos these days. So do a lot of us on social media. I think most of us have probably told a porno joke in our lives at one time or another. But there’s a real serious side to this for everyone, especially models, and actors.

I knew a few actors back in the 80’s, and even the 90’s who just got so frustrated by all the rejection in this business, that after a few years they just gave up and started doing partially nude print ads to supplement their income. It seemed innocent, and harmless enough to them, the money was good, so they kept doing it. Then after a while it became full nude print ads. Then it was just a shot step to doing porn in print. Apparently, the buy out money was very good for a days work. (I guess if you want to call it that.) Then when they were asked, it was pretty easy for them to just do full on acting in porno film VCRs, then DVDs, and even online. The money was even better. In fact, they made a lot of money for a few years. Some even got I guess what you would call porn fame.

They automatically were called porn stars and loved it. But guess what? When it was all over, they had their run, and if they wanted to move on to another career, or settle down and get married, have children, and move on with their lives, they couldn’t. Unfortunately, they found that their past kept catching up to them. It had pretty much completely ruined their lives. Everything from self esteem, to nobody wanting to hire them. Or if they started a business, people found out. If they did get hired by someone, their employers would find out, and they got fired.

Some even bought homes to try and settle down, but when word got around and some of the neighbors found out – they didn’t even want them living on the same block as their kids. Their past would always catch up to them somehow. It was really very sad, but they made those decisions, turned that corner, and now they were paying the price for it. It was as if they were now on a sexual offenders list or something. I guess being in that field was like a narcotic to them, because while they were doing it, the money, and all the attention they were getting was so alluring. When it was all over, they found that their past followed them everywhere they went, and they pretty much couldn’t do anything anymore. There are a few exceptions with a few actually making a transition to legit acting, but not very many.

Please don’t give in, no matter how bad it gets.

Sexual harassment is still a thing, for both males and females in the entertainment industry. So is sexism, especially for female directors and producers, but it’s slowly getting better. There are still plenty of perverts that will promise you work for “favors”. I heard someone jokingly say once, “Sleep your way to the middle.” So keep your guard up, especially if the casting call is to a residence. The online stuff I would be especially leery of. If you’re going to do any of that kind of auditioning on your own, be sure to bring at least bring a friend with you, and let some people know where you are going prior to leaving, how long you may be gone, and that you will check back in with them when you are done. For safety’s sake, please.

I went to a lot of castings in LA that were at private residences, but they were union, and through legitimate talent agents. Plus, when you get there, you see a pile of actors wandering around, so you kind of get the feeling that it’s okay or a zombie apocalypse. I booked a few jobs at places like that, so it does happen. Just be careful. If it’s not through your agent, I wouldn’t even take a chance on it unless it was at a regular business location and during business hours.

I met my wife in 1986, about a year after I started my new career path as an actor. She was outside the acting field, a few years older than me, but we were soul mates, and knew it after a year of figuring it out. We’ve been happily married for 24 years now. The secret for us is 2 things, we always kiss after sex, and we both have separate rooms to do our own thing in. With lots of space between them. I tend to be a louder person. I make a lot more noise, music, recording, watching stupid movies, and etc. I’m a louder person. She, on the other hand, likes her peace and quiet. She reads a lot, and also is an artist. She likes to paint watercolors. (Very talented one also BTW.) So, for “us” to really work, we both figured out that we each need our own space wherever we end up living. All I can say is we still love each other. It works for us.

In the late 80’s when we moved to California - everyone is beautiful out there, everyplace you go! We looked at each other in the car one day and said, “Okay, how about we can look all we want, but we can’t touch.” It was a healthy arrangement for us, because we could comment to each other, and joke about it – yet both still enjoy the scenery.

I have to share a story that happened to me back in Florida in 1985 before I met her. That was my first year in the acting world, and a nonunion agent tried to put the move on me! I went in for a new client / agent interview, and was invited to a “party” later on that night there at the office. Really? Me? Apparently, they were having these agent and actor orgy parties at the office after hours! I just distanced myself from the whole thing, I had only been an actor for a few months, I knew this was way inappropriate, I don’t want any part of it, and that some people were going to go down eventually for it. I was working in Florida, and it was from a talent agent no less. It was a nonunion agent, and during the interview there was this unusual talk about how she thought my bone structure was “interesting”. And that if I did this and that, I was promised I would get this and that…no, I don’t think so.

I got to find out first hand how uncomfortable it can be to be sexually harassed. I was insulted, and pissed off that this was happening to me. I was there trying to get representation, and hopefully a few jobs, not to get an STD. I later found out that they were having these “after hours” meetings with a variety of actors in her office.

Apparently they went too far with some of the other actors, and the agency eventually got busted about 6 months later for it. There was a lot of talk for months about the things that were rumored to be going on over there amongst my peers. Apparently it was a pretty happening scene. Not only did the whole thing make the news, but their state license was pulled, and they later went out of business. A lot men and women were caught up in this scandal. Some were there for the thrills, some just in hopes of getting some work. It’s not right. This was back in the mid 80’s, and, at the time, I thought it was an isolated thing, but it did happen, and I’m pretty sure now that it’s not an isolated incident. I expect it happens in some form in every city, all around the country.

Looking back in retrospect…I totally shoulda tapped that. (I’M KIDDING!) Had I done that it wouldn’t have gotten me a job anyway. Some of the actors who did get caught up in it had their “brand” hurt quite a bit, so I’m glad I stayed out of it.

I guess if it was under normal circumstances, she was a very attractive woman, and had it not been a work related thing, and had I met her somewhere else, not knowing how she was manipulating people, I would have probably considered dating her. I mean, she was a pretty hot looking agent.

When it comes to dating other actors. I’ve heard a lot of them say the same thing about it. While it may seem very tempting, and you might be thinking great, we are doing the same thing, and have a lot in common. I think most people realize that relationships like this usually turn out bad, or end up very uncomfortable. Dating people in your related field of work, whatever it may be, at the office, etc. it’s not a good idea.

For me, that may be because I didn’t start even dating until I was 20. I was a very shy kid, and lacked self confidence. I was worried about what others thought of me more than I did myself. Some small towns can do that to you. I was not exactly the hunk of the class, but I did have a few opportunities. It may also be that my actual parents were only 16 when I was born. Something like that affects you, and your decisions. I probably would have gotten an STD or something anyway. Looking back, I’m glad I waited.

I never really had strong self confidence until I became an actor.

Anyway, we see lots of people in the same career field in movies and TV all the time. Why? Because it happens a lot, and it hardly ever works out. That makes for great conflict, and it plays good on television. But you don’t need that in real life. Even a dorky looking guy like me got hit on by a few hot actresses, and I just didn’t want to go there. Once, with a stage wife on a film, and then even on a game show.

I did know of a few couples where it seemed to be working out, so there are exceptions. Some marry happily, and I think they are very fortunate. I think maybe what happens is they end up competing too much and it puts a strain on the relationship. We have enough problems already. And good relationships are hard to come by.

I guess if you are in a relationship with a non-actor you get more emotional support, and understanding. Trust me, you will need this at some point somewhere down the road.

On the other hand, living with a casting director, producer, screenwriter, or director could be beneficial. (I’m kidding.)

When you work on a SAG-AFTRA union feature film, the highest rating they have is “R” ratings. So, there is that possibility you might be asked to do some frontal nudity in a scene, or nudity from behind. You might even be asked to do what is called a “simulated sex scene”. Doing anything like that is a personal preference, if you are willing to do it, that’s up to you. Ask for specifics of what you will be expected to do. At least you know that if you are in a union film, that’s the most they can ask from you. So if at anytime during a casting if they want anything beyond that, it’s simply not allowed.

Most all the shifty kind of stuff you hear about happens in the print or nonunion world. So that is where you need to be particularly on guard for possible scumbags and perverts. I don’t think an actor should ever be asked to disrobe during an audition. Be especially wary of auditions that do not come from a reputable talent agent. Especially with online ads, newspapers, etc. It’s pretty common knowledge, but I’m just sayin’… The problem is that when it happens, nobody ever says anything, or hears about unless it makes the news or involves a celebrity. For us regular folks it’s hushed up quickly. The casting couch is still around, just that now it’s a $1200 airbed.

Personally, I didn’t need to worry too much. I’m not exactly the hot guy type, especially with my cloths off. But I did get a lot of partial nudity gigs that were comedic. All of them were union jobs in SAG-AFTRA, so I knew going in that it could only go so far, and that was it. Basically I disrobe…people laugh.

I had this one job in particular during a talk show that had a huge live audience. My job description was that I would need to slow motion streak across the stage as the interview was going on. So I come cruising out and crowd just erupts in hysterics, everyone is laughing and screaming at me. It about knocked me off my feet it as so loud. I was expecting something, but not quite like that. I was asked to just be a dead-pan wandering streaker with no expressions at all, and stroll on through. Here I am, the slo-mo streaker. I wasn’t completely naked, but it was pretty close. I was wearing a flesh tone G-String Speedo swimsuit. I looked like a dorky Ken doll. It was one of those Brazilian ones, about the size of a Triscut cracker! They used one of those pixelating blur out spots to make it appear as though I was nude. Sorry for that terrible visual.

Another job required me to be wearing nothing except a white diaper. That was some scary stuff, ans pretty humiliating, but hey, if it’s for comedy, and I’m making $600 doing it – all day long, all week long. No problem.

For another one I was in a very scant bathing suit actually taking a shower live on stage, also in front of an audience. I have to tell you, doing that that takes a lot of nerve to pull off. It may not sound like much, but when the crowd just opens up and goes nuts, it freaks you out. Plus we did a rehearsal before the show – but without the actual water. During the live shot, it was ice water they dumped on me. I was not expecting that. I was prepared for everything except that. When you are performing front of a live audience you only get one take, and you have to make it work no matter what happens, just like in stage work. So my focus was completely on that. Let’s just say I let out a YELP as it stunned the heck out of me, and some things got a lot smaller. But it was very funny. I froze my junk off. Good facial expressions though. Those pricks did that to me on purpose. I took a lot of bullets like that for comedy.

I guess the point is, if you are willing to look ridiculous, or even stupid and be the brunt of a laugh, you can make some decent money. I just hope none of that stuff ever shows up on YouTube.

If you are on an audition, or even on a job, nobody should come at you inappropriately. One suggestion has to do with the possibility that you get caught off guard by it. Even if you use common sense to stay out of situations like this, things can happen that you are not prepared for.

Some people try to use their power over your job to get to you sexually. If that happens, and I hope it never does, do not play the victim.

No job is worth the damage that this can do to your self respect. And performers need to keep their self respect or it will eventually destroy you.

Stand up to the person and make it clear that what they are asking for is not acceptable. These people are bullies. Back them down.

A friend of mine had someone in a position of authority on the shoot came to them after the day's work was done and try to physically intimidate her into having sex. He told her that he was stronger than her and that she couldn't stop him. She replied that he was correct, but that there was one thing she could do...scratch every part of his body that she could reach and then call his wife and tell her where to look. He backed off…

I’m not exactly the type that gets cast in lots of roles where I have a stage wife or let alone get to kiss a woman. The hunky guys get those. I think I’ve had about 12 different stage wives picked out for me by Hollywood people. They must sit around a desk and think, “This is what his wife should look like.” Then they would pick one out for me. Like this is some sort of Mid-Evil thing where they choose your spouse, and you have no choice, you have to accept it. It’s like platonic polygamy or something.

I have all these ex stage wives. And on the other hand, some of the ladies must be thinking, “I had this whole stable of men.” We never meet our stage spouses usually until the first day on the set. I just find the whole thing kind of strange. “Hi, this is your new wife.” “Eeewww, he’s not going to have to actually touch me or anything is he?” The range of types I got paired with was a little surprising. Everything from 300 pound rednecks in hair curlers, to super hot models, and everything in between. On this one film, I had a very attractive American wife. She was really nice, and fun to work with. At the wrap party, and then the screening, Marty was convinced she totally had the hots for me. I don’t know, I didn’t see it. It may have been because I was just coming off being cut from a Mel Brooks film, and I was so happy that my part just AIRED! Yes, residuals, screen credit for resume, etc.

Mostly I would get a stage wife in commercials, and the majority of them were very professional actors. We were paired up and expected to have some sort of chemistry, and most of the time, it worked, and we did our job.

And then there was a couple of times when my new Hollywood wife would be introduced to me on the set like that, I could see the eagerness and excitement would drain from their face as they laid eyes on me for the first time. You can just feel something like that, and it hurts a little. Then when they utter something like “Oh no” it kind of dings your self confidence a little bit. I just thought to myself, “Well, with an attitude like that, I don’t care how good looking you are…right back at you.” Lets get the job done, and get out of there. That kind of behavior hurts no matter how old you get. But most of them were professional actors, and they were easy to connect with in a scene.

Another time in particular sticks in my mind. I got hired for this insurance commercial that was shooting at the Museum Of Natural History. That seemed appropriate. We were to do a series of lines and then she would kiss me at the end.

The actual shoot was after hours, and the museum was closed. It was kind of creepy, there’s all these dinosaurs around and very dim security lighting. Tyrannosaurus Rex is standing there towering over us and everything. Every sound we made echoed throughout the place. It was kind of cool because nobody except the cast and crew were in there. So after reading our lines once for the director, and blocking out the scene, they had all this lighting to set up, so he let us wander around and check things out for a half hour.

This lady that was cast as my actor wife, was kind of average looking, like me I guess. I mean, she was cast as my wife, so you get the idea. She was very intelligent, and seemed pretty nice. I liked her. We wandered around checking out all the different rooms and the prehistoric exhibits in each one. It was like an unguided private tour, but in very dim light. It was romantically creepy. At one point, she said, “I’m getting a little scared in here, let’s go back to the set.” I was okay with that, it was a little disturbing with all these huge creatures looming over us.

So we get back to the set, and on action, we do our lines, and then she is to give me this nice long kiss. She was a nice lady and everything, but my first on screen kiss, felt like falling on a wet mop.

Sometime we get hired and asked to do some rather unusual things in this business. On this one job I was to be in a scene that was these four slacker Santa’s, and also this hot looking female Santa’s helper. One of the Santa’s is sitting on an old wine barrel sipping on a big brown jug, looking all wasted. Another one is sitting there smoking on a pipe. (Smoke machine behind him billowing out smoke and everything.) The third one is passed out on the ground, and then there was me.

I’m the scrawny Santa, with the hot looking helper standing next to me. Upon “action” I was to make this telegraphed very obvious move, grabbing her ass. She then is supposed to get mad and, swing her arm around to pretend slap my face. I then react back and that was it. She was this voluptuous looking woman in a Santa’s helper red mini skirt with a tight fitting red and white fur trim top. She could easily have been a super model, and might have very well been.

I wasn’t quite sure how to do this and not be inappropriate about it. So, I just asked her. I said, “Look, do you want me to just put my hand close?” “Or I could just lightly touch the small of your back so you will know the cue when to slap me.” “How would you prefer that we do this?” I was trying to be respectful. So she completely surprises me and says, “Go ahead and just grab a handful of butt cheek like you mean it.” “Let’s make it look real for the camera.” “Okay”, I said, “Just please don’t actually slap me okay?” So we practiced it once, I grabbed a solid handful, and she swings around and perfectly makes it appear like a real face smack but just missing me.

On action, we did the same thing, four takes. (Or should I say in four grabs.) I have to say, she was a very good actress, and willing to do what was necessary to make the scene look convincing. She was very professional about the whole thing. I grabbed her butt, and she swung that arm around each time perfectly, so it looked like I got walloped good, and did my reaction/fall. That was it, they had the shot they wanted. I thanked her for being so cool about the whole thing, we did contracts, and I went home.

I walk in the door and my wife says to me, “So what was your day like?” I replied, “Well, it was a rough day.” “I was paid $600 to grab a super models’ ass four times.” I had to cook dinner that night, and Tweet from the couch.

If you enjoyed my post, I have a Kindle book on acting that is $6. I know…that’s like a dollar more than a decent latte these days, but I think what I’ve been through, and my experiences will help you. Might even get a few laughs along the way. Check it out on Kindle, you can read the first few chapters, and see if you like my vibe. “An Actor’s Face” It’s buried in that site somewhere, please dig for it.

Shannon

Stand Up Comedy As Acting Lessons & Audition Training?

I never really wanted to be a comedian, I wanted to be an actor who could do comedy well, and I wanted to improve my acting, and auditioning skills. That was my mindset going into stand up back in the mid 80’s.

Doing stand up can lead to other good paying jobs, but more importantly, stand up comedy helps us get used to performing in front of people, as well as helping with auditioning. We need good comic timing, good improvisation skills, not to mention getting over any stage fright issues as quickly as possible, so we can advance in our career.

I don’t think you really do ever get completely over stage fright. In fact, if you do, I think you lose your performance edge. Even after many years, I would be feeling it every time, moments before going out on live TV, or on stage. I learned there is a razor thin line between fear, and excitement. All I had to do was tip it the slightest amount towards excitement, and the fear was gone. When I found myself in that situation, I would say to myself, “I am excited to go out there and do this!” I learned to channel my fear into excitement.

Just to fast forward here for a bit, when I got out to LA, I used to love hanging out on the patio at “The Bean”. (coffeebean.com) It’s a popular small chain of café’s that many actors and creative types go to and network. After an audition, a gig, or out making the rounds, I would usually stop in there to chill out.

Anyway, one day I was sitting there with a few other actors sipping some “tender coffee”. (That’s coffee with a little too much steamed milk and other flavors added in to it.) Anyway, the subject of doing stand up comedy came up. One of the actors sitting with me commented, “I tried doing it once, and it was the most terrifying experience I’ve ever had in show business”. “I never felt so all alone, and I will never ever do it again!” I shared the story below about my first stand up comedy experience that you are about to read. After hearing about that, he realized that his first time wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been. We shared a good laugh over the whole thing. It is kind of funny now, but not so much at the time!

I explained how awful it was, but I managed to shake it off, got back up on my horse, and kept doing it. That, yes, attempting stand up is terrifying, but the more I did it, the more comfortable I was getting performing in front of live audiences. When I got up the second time it got a little bit easier, and as I kept trying it, it did get easier, and I did get better and better, more confident with it. But mostly it was about overcoming my own fears, and how much it helped me to improve my auditioning skills. That first time is always the worst, go into it expecting to fall flat, because that’s what probably will happen.

He rented a few instructional DVD’s and got back up there. A few months later, I saw him perform at an open mic night, and he did quite well. He came over and sat with me, and thanked my profusely for encouraging him to get back out there and to continue doing it. He mentioned that he had booked a very nice job, and that the stand up helped him to nail an improv commercial.

Having a set list of jokes can help you, kind of like how a band will have a set list of songs they are going to play. It helps you to remember where you are in your material if you get lost. When you are new to this, sometimes we can just go blank and forget all our material. The unexpected things do happen, it throws you off, and this is good practice for you in the world of real auditions.

Pulling a set list out of your back pocket is considered kind of tacky, and it’s a sign of a hack by most comics. But having one when you are getting started out is a good idea, to help keep you on track. I got to the point where I didn’t need it, but having it in my back pocket, just in case, built my confidence. We aren’t there to impress all the other comics anyway. We are there to improve at it, most of them know this, and have probably done it themselves at one time or another. Later on, you will find that you don’t need that set list anymore.

For most of us, the hardest part of acting, is auditioning well and getting hired. Stand up probably helped me to audition the most. Even though I had no real desire to be a stand up comic, I knew that it would teach me to improvise better, and help me with my auditioning skills. For me, the actual acting part of a job was pretty easy. I would just play myself most of the time, and imagine I was that character, in whatever the situation was. Having a good imagination and plenty of life experiences to draw from is a big part of this.

Many of the stand up comedy clubs now offer courses in learning how to be a stand up comic, so you might check into that also. These days, you can easily find DVD’s on how to be a stand up comic pretty inexpensively. Maybe look at one or two of those first.

Stand up has become so popular over the years, because the club owners only need a microphone, a sound system, some chairs, and that’s about all it takes. It’s a whole lot cheaper than hiring a band is. So comedy clubs are popping up everywhere now. Most of them have an open microphone or “mic” night. Many have a small cover charge or a 2 drink minimum now. That’s probably my fault, as you will read here in a few moments.

Consider trying your hand at stand up comedy. For me, it was the best auditioning training, as well as free acting lessons. That was why I first got into it in the first place. I didn’t want the life of traveling around the country as a stand up comic. My passion was acting. I couldn’t afford the money to take acting lessons, and I knew I would need to develop good comic timing, and be fast thinking on my feet to audition well. It really strengthened my improvisation skills, and helped me to deal with that unpredictability factor.

Of course sometimes you get the hecklers, curve balls, the unexpected, that type of thing happens. It’s all good training for you as an actor. You also learn how to write comedy. You don’t have much choice unless you are Milton Berle or something. That’s why I tried my hand at it. It was free training in the most brutal of ways. Figure it like this…if you can cope with a room full of other hostile comics, then when you go on an audition with a room full of people in there, it seems like nothing compared to that.

I wasn’t good speaking in front of people. I didn’t even like reading a report out loud in high school, so I knew I need to work on this.

I bumbled my way into it all right. I was cocky, and I figured I could just get up there and slay the audience with no real preparation. I wrote up a bunch of what I thought was very funny material, and then hit up the local open mic night all excited to wow the crowd. When my turn came up, I went up there and at first everyone was laughing at me. It was a great start. My first joke was hysterical, and I was on a roll…for about 30 seconds. Every single thing after that bombed badly. It was awful. Not a single laugh, everything fell flat. The silence was deafening.

The five minutes I was stuck up there alone seemed like it went on forever. Near the end of my time, people were saying things like, “Get out of there!” “You suck!” It was pretty ugly. I had an egg in my hand and accidentally dropped it on the stage carpet. I don’t know what the heck I was thinking. Worst of all, I really was doing my very best up there.

Like a bonehead, I had invited family members, and most of my friends, to come see my performance. My parents had passed away at that time, but I did have some cousins, and relatives. Talk about being humiliated. Even my family members split half way during my act. They were like, “We don’t know this guy!” I got stuck paying the tab for them, and I got thoroughly bitched out by the management afterwards. This was bad.

My very best friend named Tom was there, and he was a little bit too buzzed. He was a pretty big guy in stature, and he felt so bad for me, that he took it out on the comedy club john. He went into the bathroom, and completely destroyed it. I mean he knocked the hand dryers off the walls, he smashed up a urinal, broke the toilet seats, and tore that place to pieces. (He was able to dash out the front door before anyone caught him.) I had no idea that this was even going on until later on in the evening. He tore that club up for me, because of my hurt up there. Talk about a display of friendship.

The cops showed up of course, and when I saw what he did I was like, “Hey I don’t know who that guy was.” “He must be somebody with a good sense of humor.” That was probably the best line I had of the night. I never shared this story with anyone except my later to be wife. She stuck with me even after that. There’s true love for you. I knew I had found the right woman for me. A few years later, I asked her to marry me, and we have been happily married for 22 years.

I did manage to shake that entire first stand up comedy experience off, and get back up on stage about a month later. But, it was at a different club. A few months after that, I went back to that original comedy club when I had some semblance of a routine put together. I apologized for my amateur mistakes the earlier time to the management, and they were nice enough to let me back up on stage again. They did keep a VERY close eye on me though. They were all lined up in the back watching my every move. It was a bit tense, but before long I was there on a weekly basis. I did mange to get back up on my horse.

So my recommendation is obviously to watch a few instructional stand up comedy DVD’s, and get some practice first. Maybe take a class or two at an adult educational center, or something like that, before you just dive up there unprepared like I did.

Looking back, stand up did help my auditioning skills a lot. Absolutely nothing scares me anymore after being on stage in front of people who aren’t in the mood to laugh at your material. (Most of the time at open mic’s the crowd is just other comics, and their friends.) Now the pressures of an audition seem like a cake walk. Call up your local comedy club and see about their open mic night, because I’m sure you are totally psyched about it now.

Seriously though, the more I did it, the better my audition skills got. Be realistic about it, and keep things in perspective. You’re going up there to better your acting skills, timing, and maybe see what you can do. You might end up liking it. I did, even after that. I love doing stand up, it’s a tremendous thrill when you do well and you are bringing laughter and joy to people. Especially the way the economy is right now. People need a laugh now and then, even if it is at you. It’s still depressing when I write a routine that falls flat though. Sometimes the same exact routine will bring nothing but laughter, and with a different crowd another time, it will fall flat. Go figure.

When I got to LA, I discovered that casting directors, talent scouts, and show producers go to comedy clubs to scout for talent. I guess they figure if you have the courage to “tough it out” by yourself up there, you are probably good enough to consider hiring. I was able to get a few jobs that way. Think about all the comedians that have starred in their own sit-coms over the years.

Even though I didn’t really want to be a comic, I felt it was important for me to only do “clean” comedy. I admit it’s a whole lot easier to get up on stage, drop a few F-Bombs and get some cheap laughs. The networks, casting directors, and industry professionals are not going to be all that impressed if you do that, because anyone can do it. That doesn’t work very well on TV either. (Well, I guess it does on a few cable networks.) Writing and doing clean humor is a LOT harder. Most often, it’s the hacks that get out there and use lots of expletives.

The older, classic comedians couldn’t even come close to saying anything profane on radio or TV. Granted some of them had writers, but many of them did not. Study a few of them, and watch how they moved, their timing, and expressions. Watch how they use voice inflection, gestures, and how they wait for the laugh. My suggestion is to learn how to do clean comedy if you want it to help you advance, unless your persona is going to be like “Dice Clay” or something.

Jack Benny was one of my favorite comedians. Many of the comics to follow imitated many aspects of his original style. His radio and TV career spanned a thirty year period starting in the late 1930’s. He created this stage persona that was brilliant. I used to study his old TV shows, and watch how he could get this amazing thunderous laughter with just a simple expression, a gesture, a single word, or a long pregnant pause. He had these dead pan facial expressions, gestures, and this comic timing that was unbelievable. He could sing, dance, and play the violin very well, but the stage persona he presented, thought it could, but couldn’t. He was able to pull off appearing untalented like nobody else could.

He created this character for himself that he was a pompous stingy miserly cheapskate, that was also an insecure and untalented braggart. All of which wasn't true in real life. Even though that was his stage persona, it was also an endearing, very likeable, and even admirable character that he played. It even possessed a certain kind of vulnerability. His on stage persona never was allowed to grow over the age of 39. He was 39 for 20 years! LoL. The rest of the cast would work off of him, and he would usually be the brunt of the joke. It was a brilliant stage character persona. He was also one of the first to break down racial stereotypes. You can often catch a few of his classic TV shows on the cable channel, “Retro” on Sunday nights, and also on a few other channels.

I remember watching an interview where he said, “Everything good that happened to me, happened by accident.” Sometimes that’s just how it goes in comedy, and in the acting business.

Here are a few tips on doing stand up that I learned the hard way, and also a few I figured out over time from watching other comics perform. I noticed that almost all of them fall into one or more of these categories, and adjust their personas to fit. One thing to do is experiment, try a few out, and figure out which style fits you the best.

Here are a few of the more basic comic style examples: “I’m a Victim”, “The Poor Me Syndrome”, “Sarcastic”, “Angry comic”, “Shy and Timid”, “The Opinionator”, The Impressionist”, “Prop comic”, “Egocentrical”, “Political Humor and/or Satire”, “Doing Characters”, “Song parodies”, and the “Observationalist”. I’m sure there are a few more, but those are most of the styles I observed, and at least it gives you an idea. I think the best approach is to add a few of those different elements into your stage persona as it evolves.

Whatever you choose to do, don’t overdo it, just be yourself, and act naturally. Audiences can tell when you are overdoing it. Most all good comedy is based on truth, and emotion, so if you are dishonest out there on stage, they can sense it. Use your truth, and it will likely become the basis for your persona and material.

Try to incorporate your life experiences and individual personality, that’s what makes you unique. Your quirks, delivery style, timing, and finding your “voice”, are things that come form experience. And you get that from doing this a bunch of times. Find out what works for you, and what does not. Believe me, it’s pretty easy to find out when something isn’t working! We are all different, and trying to discover your own comedy stage persona is a good first goal.

I think the hardest part of doing stand up is the writing part. That’s why so many comedians have a writer, or even a team of writers. There’s only one way to get better at writing. You keep on writing, shaping, and editing, and then write some more.

Writing materiel that creates funny visuals in the audience’s mind with words, always worked well for me. And if I could make them feel an emotion, that helped to get laughs also. We as comedians, always over exaggerate things to make them funnier. “I had to pee this morning for like an Hour!”

If you can manage to create funny sounding words or sayings, that works also. The “callback” is a common but effective gimmick to use in your routine. That’s where early on in your comic “set” you do a bit, and then later on you recall it as part of another bit. When we perform, we want to be living in the moment, and not living in the present. There is a big difference between the two.

The opening ten seconds of your routine sets the tone for the rest of your entire act, and for the audience, so it needs to be strong. You need to grab on to them early on, or you are screwed. The ending of your show needs to be strong as well. You want to leave them laughing, and wanting to hear and see more from you.

Anyway…here’s an example of how doing stand up led to some good paying work. I started doing it mainly to sharpen my comic timing, and deal with the unexpected. I got to the point where I was pretty respectable at it, but not great consistently. I didn’t want to just write a routine, and do it over and over. I just didn’t want the lifestyle as a comedian. I had gotten to know a lot of them, and I knew pretty much what the road life and touring was like. Plus I toured for a little while with a few R & B, and rock bands. So what I liked to do was write a new routine each week. It's pretty risky. Because sometimes I would tear it up, and other times I would totally bomb out. I just felt like doing the same routine over and over was boring. That’s not what I was up there for anyway. Believe it or not, bombing out is a positive thing, because it helps you to improve. It just feels like crap at the time.

When you are lucky enough to get some critique or criticism, it’s easy to get defensive, or feel negative about it. Try to remember what it was, and use it to help you improve the next time. Usually it’s meant to help you do just that anyway. There are occasions where it can be a bit vicious; we have to just shake it off.

One time at this big name comedy club in LA, they were having this big comedian contest with a big prize. It was a guest starring role on a popular sit-com. Man that's a sweet prize. I did my very best, but I just wasn't on that night. Sometimes that’s just the case. I was a little out gunned also, most all of the best comedians in town were in there trying out as well.

I knew I hadn't done well, and I was feeling pretty awful as I left the club. Another popular TV show happened to be auditioning comedians on camera outside the club in the parking lot for something. Some guy who had seen me in the comedy club saw my performance, and followed me to my car and asked me to audition. I really didn't feel like it, I was feeling like $hit. But I was flattered I was even asked to do it. So I shook it off, and did a few of my stand up bits.

The policy of this particular show was to tape you, and if the producers liked it enough, and aired it on the show, then you would get union scale, if you were in the union. If not, you got to be on TV, plus got a salad shooter, and some press on nails as a prize. Of course people will do just about anything to get on TV for free now! I'll be doggoned, because they had me on numerous times during two seasons of episodes. The show was “America's Funniest People”.

I was lucky enough to work on the classic Gong Show a few times also. They had to really like your gag if you were a union member, because if they used you on the show it paid union scale for the day. At the time these kinds of shows were advertised in the trade papers like Dramalogue, and Backstage West. (I believe The Backstage paper later bought out the Dramalogue). And you could audition for it without an agent, once a week right at the CBS TV City Studios on Beverly Blvd. You would just write up your own comedic sketch, or routine, and go audition for the show. You were allowed to do two different bits at the audition. I was able to get on there about a half a dozen times out of about twenty tries. Working on that show was an absolute blast. Getting “gonged” was hilarious, and that show is among some of my fondest memories.

These kinds of TV shows were a great way to supplement our income, and we could do them on our own with no agents. I would run into a lot of other character actors over and over at these auditions, and it was kind of funny. In the holding area, we would have these unusual conversations waiting to audition, "So, what did you come up with this week Charlie?" "I'm going to be Jaque Cou-strap this week." The guy played the piano and sang a parody song with a jock strap over his face. Murray, the unknown comic was one of my favorites. He was always very cordial, and supportive to the rest of us. Not to mention funny. He even sat in the audition holding room area with that paper bag over his head. The guy was a crack up. He was one of the innovators, (cool), not someone who copied the others, (hip). He got to the point where he was so popular, he didn’t even need to audition, they would just put him though once he showed up.

Obviously, doing something like this was not your normal kind of a job. When you were hired for the Gong Show, you would hang out in this huge lunchroom size waiting room with all these bizarre people in weird costumes and crazy props. They were all waiting to appear on the show also. What the producers did was shoot five episodes of the show at a time in one day, and it was on a Friday. So this huge room was packed with 100's of these crazy people, and all of them would be going berserk practicing. All of them going off, and rehearsing their routines, it was madness! It’s kind of like you see at the auditions and screenings for shows like “American Idol”, and “America’s Got Talent” or something. You’re in there with these huge crowds of people that are way too excited.

If you drew working in the last episode they were shooting, you could end up sitting there for hours. I felt a lot of sympathy for some of these people waiting to go on the show, because many of them really thought this was going to be their big break in Hollywood, and that they would get "discovered". Most of them ended up with their dreams crushed, getting Gonged up big time. Some of them were just delusional about their talent, and were genuinely devastated when it happened to them. Some people that couldn’t even sing a single note in tune, must have gone through life with everyone telling them what a great singer they were. I always wondered when I watched the earlier version of the show, if some of these people really were “for real”. As it turned out, a lot of them were. It really did happen, and I felt kind of bad for them when reality finally arrived for them. You see it to a certain extent on the Idol, and at the AGT auditions.

Most of us "regulars" just wanted to get on the show, do something funny, and then get gonged out. Then after the gonging, we would get to crack a comical joke with the host. That part was always improvised, so you never really knew what the host was going to say. You had to have a few things ready to go, or be fast on your feet. The show was taped in front of a live audience, so it was a bit of a rush. Some of us live for this stuff.

That was it for us, just get on the show, do a comic bit, get gonged, and get a decent day’s pay. One of my best lines after I was gonged was when the host said to me, "Well, the panel gonged you." (Weird AL got me that time) I quipped back, "That's okay, and I’ve seen better panels on the interior of my Chevy van." It was a pretty good line, and everybody in the audience cracked up. Again, we got scale if you were union. If not, another salad shooter, and a case of cereal. I loved working on that show. Weird AL hooked me up later with Jeff Foxworthy to be the redneck on one of his shows. How cool was that? Being gonged isn’t all bad; it led to a few good jobs later on because he remembered me.

These days, when you do perform in comedy clubs, a lot of them can provide a DVD or video CD of your set. They also do charge you for it, (usually it’s in the $20 range), but it is worth its weight in gold. With most comedy clubs if you ask them for a video, they will do it for a price. Some even do it for free, as a gesture of support and kindness, after they get to know you. They know what we go through up there on stage, and after all, we are helping them put on a show. So asking for a video does work, after you have been there a few times. I always bring along a few blank DVD’s in my car, and offer to let them use it. Many of them have the facilities to record them, but often don’t have extra blank DVD’s. (Or are too lazy, and will say that as an excuse.) Once you have proven yourself, getting a video is a lot easier to do.

If you have a good stand up comedy clip you can use your actor demo reel, that’s a sweet bonus, and looks very good on there. If nothing else, you can watch how you did, and see what you can improve on, as well as remember what you did well.

If you are getting serious about this, at some point you are going to have to spend some money and get with a good acting teacher or coach. Something to keep in mind, is that many failed actors end up becoming acting teachers. I think finding an acting coach is a better idea if you can find one near you. It just depends on where you live. The things I learned from acting coaches stuck with me more than the things I learned in acting classes did. As a newer adult actor, some of these acting classes can be a little bit intimidating and even overwhelming for you at first, but dig in, and try to hang with the rest.

In some areas of the country, there might not be any good acting coaches near you. So an acting class is really your only option, other than watching a few DVD’s. You need live acting training to grow as an actor. If you can find an acting class that is made up of other newcomers who are also serious about becoming adult actors, that sounds like a good class. You want to avoid the ones that are filled with dreamers, hobbyists, and people that are just dabbling in the field. Like I mentioned, most of them will let you sit in, or audit one of their classes first. Then you can make a more informed decision. Do some research first, and be sure you aren’t over paying for this, because it happens a lot.

A good coach will serve you better at that level. I learned more from them than I ever did with all the acting classes I took over the years. They tend to work with you individually, and on your particular weaknesses. That helps you to grow much faster as a professional actor.

These days, you don't have to rely on guess work anymore, or the opinion of one actor saying this is a good acting teacher, or on someone else. You can just do a search, and Google them and see what's up. Search your city and the key words "acting" and " teacher" or “classes”, and see what is around you. Look for reviews and opinions written about them, to help you make up your mind.

Talk to as many actors, and industry people in your area as you can find. I never took a class where the teacher wouldn't let me at least audit one of their classes first to see if it was right for me. If they won’t let you audit one, something's wrong. If you are starting out, or even experienced, you need to be constantly training and working on your craft.

I did community theatre when I couldn't afford acting classes, just to stay sharp. I still believe the best way to learn, is to do. We are all as different as our fingerprints, so no matter how much training you receive, you still have to adapt it to your own individual style and personality.

Try to figure out ways to get as much live improvisation experience as possible. Many of the smaller art centers, and adult education centers offer some inexpensive basic acting classes, and probably even some stand up comedy classes in your area. I took a few classes in adult education at a facility called The Learning Tree when I was in LA, and they were pretty good. They were taught by experienced actors, and/or comedians. They help you with a lot of the basics, reading scenes, auditioning, improvising, writing material, timing, and lots more. At the finish of this one comedy course the entire class went to a comedy club for a live performance.

If stand up is something you just plain don’t want to do, consider joining a comedy improv group. Most of them do cost money, but it’s worth it for the training.

At the end of the day, earning a living as an actor boils down to one thing: winning the job. I give you info about increasing your odds, and putting yourself in the best possible position to get hired.

I earned a living for two decades as an actor, and I just published my book about it. The things that worked, and the mistakes I made, that I learned tough lessons from. In it, I share ways to audition better by being more prepared, to gathering information that will help you get the edge on the competition, and book more jobs. I discuss common sense ways to acquire the best possible tools at the lowest possible costs. Things like how to have the most effective headshots, resumes, websites, and optimizing everything else including your online presence. I share low cost ways to get experience, and training. I mix in a few of my personal acting, and casting anecdotes that I hope you will find interesting and/or amusing. I priced my book low, because I wanted to share my experiences, and help fellow artists.

Please consider picking up my recently published 240 page book titled, "An Actor's Face, Audition, Casting Advice, And Anecdotes From A Working Actor". It's available for $5 only at the Amazon Kindle book store.

Lots of practical advice, casting, and auditioning tips for comedians, and actors who want to book more work. Also for actors who are making the big move to NYC, or LA, to pursue their dream as an actor, as well as for people who are thinking about breaking into the business.

Anyway, Break an Egg!

Shannon Ratigan

Copyright © Shannon Ratigan All Rights Reserved.

Starving Actor Funny Audition & Casting Stories

I guess I'm a little superstitious. I'll do something before a call back, and then if I get the job, I tend to make that a habit. Usually it's something to do with clothes, or the route driven. But on the way to this audition, I stopped by my favorite java joint, The Coffee Bean. I liked it better than Starbucks. I was just running over my lines for a callback on a big feature film. I was right outside Culver Studios leaning up against a telephone pole enjoying my pricey gourmet coffee. Perhaps I should have been more aware of my surroundings and the costume I was wearing.

Sometimes I like to leave from home in costume, as it helps me to feel more like the character I am playing for some reason. So here I was dressed as a homeless guy with all the trimmings, leaning up there all dirty and scraggly looking. Some big wig executive walked by, and I guess I was so convincing looking in my bum get up, that he dropped a handful of change into my near full coffee bean coffee cup! And just strolled on by. Hey!!! Needless to say I was a little stunned. What could I say? I had to laugh. Then I realized a $5 cup of coffee was just sacrificed for 65 cents. But later on, I managed to get the job. So now when I audition for a bum I get the coffee and try to panhandle a little bit beforehand. I figure it's good practice for my retirement.

I got to a callback on a commercial for a major brand of tennis shoes. And to my delight the director said, "You have the job, but you must be able to fit into this size eight pair of shoes. They are specially made by the ad agency." Well, I wear a size eleven shoe so naturally I said, "I can do it no problem." I crammed those things onto my over sized feet. Man I've got to tell you, it hurt like the dickens. But that's how badly some of us want this. It can be very hard to get work sometimes, it's not like a regular job. So they have me going for hours doing sit-ups and calisthenics as they photographed the bottom of my stupid feet while looking up at me. Ironically this worked real well because it was so painful it looked like I really was a workout pro. For me just going to 7-11 is a workout. To truly add insult to injury they called me at home that night. They had lost the shoes and wanted to know if I had taken them. What? Believe me I never wanted to see those stupid sneakers ever again.

My first year out in Hollywood my agent calls and asks if I could drive a semi tractor trailer. I shouldn't have done this, but I was so anxious for work back then that I said, "Yes!" I hung up the phone and dashed out to the nearest truck stop and bribed this truck driver to give me a crash course. (hopefully not literally) He showed me the trucker technique and terminology. I managed to bluff my way through the auditions, callbacks, and got the job. You asked for it bub. I was pretty nervous the day of the shoot, since I really had no clue how to drive the darn thing. Fortunately for me, the real acting came when they explained that this was a brand new truck and the dealership would prefer it if their own man could do the moving shots. "Aw gee, that's too bad. I was looking forward to destroying it. You only want me for the close ups?" Nuts.

After a few reasonably productive years in Los Angeles, I'd had lots of commercial auditions, but only a few readings for features. Then one day there it was in the trade paper. "MALE PRINCIPAL ROLE, MUST PLAY A TV." Well, now I'm from a very small town in the Midwest and only recently learned that TV means transvestite, not television! So, I looked in the mirror and asked, "So Dude, are you willing to do anything for Union scale?" Pause..."YES!"..."Do you want it THIS bad? "Yeah I think so"

Well, I bit off more than I could chew. I approached my girlfriend, curious about her reaction to the idea. Her enthusiasm for dressing and making me up was a bit of a surprise (after she stopped laughing her ass off). Then all of a sudden, I'm in her black, sheer evening gown, black pumps, socks in a bra, and all the trimmings. After a long drive to the audition trying not to be seen in heavy traffic on the 101, I got there but I needed to use the bathroom. But, wait a minute, which one? I didn't want any guys to see me like that, but I didn't have the nerve to use the ladies room. So I decided to wait it out! Smart move Sherlock.

During the audition I died like the straight dog that I am. I just couldn't relax and get into it in that get-up. My reading sucked, and when I was asked, I didn't know the difference between transsexual and transvestite. (I guess I don't get out much!) So I slinked out of there, and slumped out the door feeling pretty defeated. To make things even worse, my smart-alec girlfriend had the camera at the car door, and snapped a few photos of me. Aw come on man! And to this day she uses them (very effectively) to get her own way. I ended up marrying her. What choice did I have. And no, I'm not posting that picture here. Ever. Anywhere. Forget it!

This story is one of hers. And it gives you an idea why I married her. I've played a variety of homeless guys over the years. I get all the glamour roles. But in this one particular feature film the make up gang really did a fine number on me. They greased up my hair with hot oil, made up my teeth to look as if I hadn't brushed them in years, then put a nice thick layer of dirt and grime on my skin and the tattered clothes I was wearing. I got them to snap a photo of me to show my new persona to her when I got home.

It happened that she was going back to her home town for the 20th high school reunion. Now, the school she went to was quite a bit on the snobbish side. She was the poor kid in class. And, she pretty much knew in advance how the conversations would go. Starting with "Oh, you're married. What does YOUR husband do?" She was quite correct and when she responded that I was an actor, they wanted to know what I looked like. So, then she pulls out that picture of me as a bum. The silence was intense as her socially correct former classmates racked their brains for an appropriate response. Most gratifying of all was the fact that those few she had made friends with in high school caught on to the joke.

On a typical day of concocting hair-brained schemes to try and get work, I heard on my favorite FM radio morning show they were having a Valentines Day mass wedding ceremony for 45 couples. They explained they needed a wedding day band for the event. In school I played percussion in the school marching band, orchestra, and later worked with the Philharmonic Symphony for a few years. (Then I went to Florida for a vacation and stubbed my toe on "Miami Vice") (But that's another story) Anyway, I felt uniquely qualified for the job.

But at that time I had no musical equipment, heck, I sold it all to get out to LA. But when I heard the musicians to be used would be paid $300 each to play at this mass wedding, I started scrambling around the house looking for some kind of instrument that I could audition with. People were auditioning over the phone with the strangest instruments and being hired! Some guy with a bunch of power drills, another with arm farts, and other oddities that didn't belong in a band. So, I thought about it a little and lined up a row of 12 water glasses to the diatonic scale, each corresponding to musical notes. Then I called into the show and auditioned by playing "Here Comes the Bride" on my glass xylophone. That was easy enough, having played timpani and the chimes in the past. Then the DJ says, "Come on man, Impress us" Somehow I managed to clang out "Stairway To Heaven" on my water glasses. It was really funny, and hey hired me on the spot. Cool. I knew all those music lessons would pay off some day.

I'm pretty proud of my track record of having never missed, or been late for an audition. You have to, or you're toast. Last year I came pretty close. I was driving on the 101 freeway from the valley to Westside Casting. All of a sudden Blam! A blow out in 4 lanes with everybody hauling 70 mph in the fast lane in heavy traffic. Probably the only time it wasn't a stop and go 20 mile an hour experience. Good 'ol LA traffic. I gripped the wheel and held it steady, but nobody would let me pull in front of them to get over to the shoulder! This was pretty freaky, semi's blowing by me, the car lumbering like a boat. Finally, a kind motorist saw my predicament and slowed so I could get over. (In LA? Oh come now!).

After my heart stopped pounding, I regained my composure and sized up the situation. Okay, a flat I can handle that and still make the audition. (I always leave an hour early, just in case.) I had recently gotten a new used car, and to my amazement there was locking hub caps. Whoever heard of such a thing! And of course no key in the glove compartment. I had no choice but to try and pry that thing off there with the tire iron, but it was just hanging there not letting me get to the rim. So I just drove on the shoulder to the next exit, with that stupid thing flopping around smacking the ground as I hobbled along. I got to a ramp finally, and started limping down the road looking for a gas station or anything I thought could help out. There was none in sight. It seemed like I was driving forever, and here's this hub cap smacking against the pavement with each revolution of the tire. Finally it just gave out and went wildly spinning out ahead of me. Looked like a dumb episode of Cops. Thank you.

At last, I can change the tire and get on my way. But, in the process I ended up all covered with grime and grease. Of course I've got no rags or anything. I had planned it pretty well, allowing plenty of extra time for traffic. I had just enough time left to beat it to the audition. I got there looking pretty messed up, figuring I was toast. But to my amazement the part was for a janitor! I just looked a little heavy on the make up, right? What an adventure. I got a callback, and the job. It was for Big Red gum, and ran 4 years.

Sometimes you just never know when you will get a break. It never seems to happen the way I think it will. I've had directors literally scream at me at a callback, and figure there's no way I got this one. And then I get hired. Huh? Perhaps some of them just want to see how well I deal with pressure. The opposite is true as well. Sometimes I feel like man I nailed it, and then nothing. Go figure. Like I mentioned, I started doing stand up comedy mainly to sharpen my comic timing, and deal with the unexpected. I got to the point where I was pretty respectable. I liked to write a new routine each week. It's pretty risky, sometimes I'd tear it up. Other times I'd bomb. I just felt like doing the same routine over and over was boring.

So, this one night there was this big comedian contest with a big prize. A guest star role on a sit-com. Man that's a sweet prize. I did my best, but I just wasn't on that night. I was a little out gunned also. I knew I hadn't done well, and I was feeling pretty awful as I left the club. A popular TV show was auditioning comedians outside the club for something. Some guy who had seen me in the comedy club saw me, and followed me to my car and asked me to audition. I really didn't feel like it, I felt like $hit.. But I was flattered I was even asked to do so. So I shook it off and did my thing. The policy of this particular show was to tape you, and if the producers liked it and used it, you get scale. (If you were union) If not, you got to be on TV, get a salad shooter & some press on nails. Of course people will do just about anything to get on TV for free now! I'll be doggoned, because they had me on during three seasons of episodes. It was America's Funniest people.

I worked on the Gong Show a few times also. These kinds of shows were advertised in the trade papers like Dramalouge, and Backstage that you could audition for without an agent once a week. You just write up your own sketch, or routine, and audition. You could do 2 different bits. It was a great way to supplement our income. I would run into a lot of character actors over and over at these, and it was kind of funny. We would have these crazy normal conversations waiting to audition, "Wha'd you come up with this week Charlie?" "I'm Jaque Cou-strap this week." LoL He played the piano and sang a parody song with a jock strap over his face. The unknown comic was my favorite. He even sat in the audition room with that bag over his head.

Obviously, this was not your normal kind of job. When you were hired for the Gong Show, you would hang in this huge lunchroom size waiting room with all these bizarre people. They would shoot 5 episodes on a Friday, so the room was packed with 100's these crazy people! All rehearsing their routines, it was mass madness on a grand scale. Like on Idol or something. If you drew the last episode you sat there for hours. I felt bad for some of these people, because some of them really thought this was going to be their big break and that they would get "discovered" only to be Gonged big time. Some of them were really devastated when it happened. Most of us "regulars" just wanted to get on the show, do something funny, and get gonged. Then crack a funny joke with the host. My best line was when he said to me, "Well, the panel gonged you." (Weird AL got me that time) I quipped back, "That's okay, I've seen better panels on the interior of my Chevy van."

Again, we got scale if you were union. If not, another salad shooter. I loved working on that show. Weird AL hooked me up later with Jeff Foxworthy to be the redneck in his show. How cool was that?

You just never know whose life may intersect with yours on a given day in this business...
So there I was, a full body make up Grey Zombie. My entire body painted with make up, (except for the parts with the loin cloth over them) and then airbrushed with more make up over that. Complete with dark blue bruises, veins sticking out, a bloody arm, all my hair glued straight up in the air, colored grey white. And to top it off facial appliances that kept my face in practically one expression...Ha!

I was at the Hollywood Center Studios where I took a bathroom break after like 7 hours on the set of Exorcist 3. I'm standing there at the studio urinal, and who walks in but (the late great) George Burns. Apparently he had one of his offices there at the time, and was working late that night. So here I am taking a leak with George Burns...after the longest moment he sized me up and true to his straight man persona said to me in the straightest of voices, "So...you come here often?" I had to have a snappy comeback! This is George Burns! I just instinctively said, "Yes...but you're not grey enough" and he busted up laughing. We had a good laugh together. That was a moment I'll always cherish. I really admired him, I practically grew up listening to him on Burns and Allen. I'm still a big fan of Old Time Radio shows like Jack Benny. A dream come true...to do a standup joke with George Burns...I just never figured it would happen in the crapper. (and no, there was No toe tapping involved!)

Hey, have you got an Unusual or Funny Casting Story to tell? Please share you casting adventures with me (us) in the comments.